How I Lick My Balls - A Story of Schweddy Balls and One Million Angry Moms
Have you heard? Schweddy Balls is out in...Well some stores are carrying the delightful treat, Schweddy Balls, but because One Million Moms got all pissy about the name of the ice cream most stores aren't. I went to the Angry Moms site and read their claim about why they didn't want Schweddy Balls in the stores and their answer was -
The vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive. Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket." - One Million Moms.comHave to say that the flavor is not vulgar, rather good if you like rum.
First let's address the issue of why the hell are you buying the expensive stuff for your toddlers? They don't need ice cream in the first place and unless your child is the next Einstein then they can't even read the label and if they can read the label then you already need to be talking to them about sex because if you don't someone else will. And you probably don't want the first conversation you have on the subject to be "Oh my, you're pregnant" or "Oh my, you have what sexually transmitted disease?"
In cartoons, Disney shows, and most definitely on Cartoon Network, sexual innuendo runs rampant. In the school yard and on the streets your kids are already talking about sex if they can read. If you're not talking to your kids about things like Schweddy Balls then someone else is and that other someone else isn't going to instill your values into the conversation.
I'm not just talking about lecturing kids. I'm talking about laughing with them over sexual jokes. *Gasp* Yes, I went there. Your kids are already making sexual jokes. They may not understand it but away from you, your little fourth grader is standing on the basketball court making a basket and yelling out "Wow, that was orgasmic." WTF - The kid doesn't even know what orgasmic really feels like or what to do with an orgasm and here they are talking sex. If you can't be silly and have fun about sexual topics with your kids then once your child has questions about sex where are they going to turn? To the person who makes them severely uncomfortable about sex or the kid down the street they've been laughing about sex with for the last ten years.
If you don't make sex a comfortable subject in your family then your child will talk sex with a person outside of your family who makes sex a comfortable subject.
Now the next issue. The Schweddy Balls skit from Saturday Night Live is funny, not disgusting. I can see why a lesbian might find Schweddy Balls disgusting, they just don't go there. But if you are a heterosexual female and you're a mom you've had your hand on some schweddy balls and if you haven't then why not? You should have explored your husband so throughly that you know how many hairs he has coming out of his butt crack. Sex is fun and exciting and should be enjoyed. And if you're a man, well you've had schweddy balls before so you're used to them.
And the third thing I wanted to talk about is that the world doesn't exist so your child can have a Pollyannaish existence. If you don't want your child to see something or do something then don't bring it into your house. You don't like a certain TV network, then get rid of cable. If you just whined about *but then I can't watch The Real House Wives of Blah Town* then you need a reality check. It's not up to the world to grant your wishes about how you think everything should be run. If you don't want it in your house then you, yes you, should keep it out of your house. Don't make the rest of us suffer without Schweddy Balls because you've got a bee in your bonnet and you can't stand the fact that someone else is having fun and you're not.
After going to four grocery stores in our city I finally drove twenty miles to the Ben and Jerry's store to get Schweddy Balls. Then we as a family watched the Schweddy Balls skit and laughed so hard we cried. Why, because I want my teens to be comfortable talking about sex to me and because it was all day foreplay with my husband, texting him about my quest for Schweddy Balls and then before bed we had awesome sex that we'll be talking about for years.