Tuesday Tales - Green
Ahoy Fellow Fathomers! It's time for Tuesday Tales.
I’m not sure I can step up to be friends with you. As with a precious few ex-loves, either I’d never want to see them again under any circumstance, or parts of me would forever achingly pine. Unfortunately for me, you’re the second situation. Imagining who you see, who you’re holding, who’s making you smile, even laugh- which seemed so rare. It’s tough to make you laugh. Maybe that was on me, I couldn’t bring laughter from your heart. Rolling endless acres of mournful evergreens overcome my soul, making me regret we’d ever met.
No one should ever want to fall in love, this pain isn’t worth it. Rolling the dice, giving someone else control over my happiness was the worst fucking idea I’d ever had. I won’t repeat this mistake. Funny how when we first met, I thought I had the power. I failed to understand my deceiving heart had plans against me. Plotting against me, my lonely heart yearned to beat feverishly again, take a reckless chance, hoping to find its’ mate. I’d been so unsuccessful this far in life, why would this time be any different?
When I agreed to meet- as friends- all my defenses stood stoically in place. I could segue our relationship from passionate to platonic. I was ready. I was ready. I was ready.
I was not ready.
Sympathy clouded your eyes, more tumultuous storms than the beautiful calm peaceful waters I used to see. I hugged you, your body stiffened, while you emitted a difficult snicker. I can’t believe you’re so turned off by my touch, god what am I doing here?
Sitting next to you, surrounded by both friends and new acquaintances, playful conversation filled the room with noise, but, all I could hear was the locomotive in my head, churning loudly, drowning out everything else. My leg accidentally moved against yours, I knew because you immediately shifted your thigh away from mine. I’d become something detestable to you. Heartbreak shattered through me again, like glass windows breaking amidst a horrible hurricane. Shards stabbing every available nerve took my breath away. I wanted out of there, but remained frozen, determined to keep my pain inside, away from the knowledge of this room of people. Pity was an unfathomable option- maybe I still had a sliver of pride.