“You’re going to be better than fine, you’re going to be amazing.” Conner whispered from above, so soft I’m sure the nurse behind him didn’t hear him.
How did he know I was in a panic? “I hope so.” I could only whisper back in faith, because I had no confidence in myself.
A slight hesitation at the automatic sliding doors, he momentarily stopped pushing. I swear I heard him inhale sharply, deeply. I imagined his hands gripping the handles, tighter than I held my son, for fear I’d break him.
We were both holding on…to what I didn’t know.
A few inches forward and the doors slid open, beckoning us to the Oklahoma summer. The sunshine illuminated the day, warming my icy fears. It was then I noticed people milling in and out, oblivious we took up a big middle of the walkway. A couple of folks smiled in my direction, clasping their hands together in a show of affection.
I wasn’t the middle of the universe. I was another person getting through the day. I understood grief and what happened in hospitals so many times. It wasn’t always a place of life, it was a place of anguish and death. In truth, I realized I was a lucky one.
I was a lucky one?
Conner leaned down, offering his hand to help me stand. “Your chariot awaits.” Motioning his head toward my mom’s car, she stood next to the open passenger door, smiling bigger than the beautiful day.
I’d have to learn how to accept happiness, joy, and appreciation for the beauty in life without the guilt Garrett wasn’t here to experience it as well. Our son, Ryan, deserved more than that from me- his mother, protector, and obvious unconditional love. He would learn these things from me, how to be strong and appreciative.
What if I taught him the opposite?
How could all these worries flood me within a matter of minutes? Everything overwhelmed me, and I felt tears gather across my eyes. I was saying goodbye-farewell to my rock- the incredible quasi-family who enveloped my sorrow as well as my physical health. They healed me in so many ways- and Conner was at the center of it.
When would I see him again? We didn’t have the hospital facilitating our visits anymore.
Now, we’d have to find a valid reason that didn’t betray or disparage either of us.
I wasn’t sure we could.
I wish I had a phone to Heaven.
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