Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Fathomers Meet Author Katie Harper!!!

Ahoy! Today in The Locker we have a very special guest, the beautiful and talented, Katie Harper. Katie is the badass brain behind her soon to be released, Never Say Just. Please visit Katie at her blog http://katieharperwrites.blogspot.com/ as she releases character interviews and descriptions of some behind the book details.




Katie and I had a bit of a chat recently, and she indulged a few of my favorite questions. She answered whimsically, in true Katie Harper style. I think this post will draw a smile from you.

Your Name: Katie Harper
Origin: My name is actually Katharine. I was named after Katharine Hepburn.
Astrology sign: Aquarius
Occupation: Writer, mom

Where is your favorite place to shop? I am totally addicted to online shopping. If it has a .com, they probably have my credit card number.

What’s your favorite trend? Yoga pants. Though mine are actually sit on the couch and watch TV pants.

What attracts you to a person? Their body. I’m an extremely shallow person. JK. They have to get my sense of humor.  I once posted on Facebook that even though I’m an adult, I still run up the stairs like I’m being chased by a chainsaw wielding murderer. Someone came over to my house and asked me who I thought was trying to kill me. *face palm*

What is the worst fashion trend you loved? When I was in junior high I lived in this really small town. The cool thing to wear was micro-brewery t-shirts. I wore them all the time. It didn’t matter to me that I had to buy them in the men’s department.

If you could meet a celebrity, who would it be? Living or dead?   You know, I’ve met quite a few celebrities and I have no desire to meet another one. Even if they’re “down to Earth”, I want to slap them in the back of the head. Don’t know why. There’s just something about them that makes me want to lash out violently.

If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would buy? I would like to say a house, but it would probably be a can of spray cheese.

What is one thing you can’t live without? Oxygen.

If you never had to work, what would you do? I don’t work now and all I do is read Facebook. I’m a complete disappointment to the human race.

What do you do in your spare time? I….uh…..well sometimes I…..shit I don’t do anything productive with my spare time.

Who is your favorite musician? I like Adele. When I want to slit my wrists but I’m just not depressed enough, I throw on some Adele. Problem solved.

What was your most embarrassing moment? Oh this is actually hilarious. When I was sixteen I was out on a date with this guy who I didn’t really care one way or another for. When he dropped me off, my little brother was out on the front porch in nothing but his tighty whities yelling, “KATIE! YOU BETTER NOT BE LIPPIN’ THAT BOY!!” I laughed my ass off.

What was the best concert you ever attended? I’ve never been to a concert. For real. I’ve never liked a band enough to spend $50 to see them live.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Nothing. I’m pretty much the awesomest person you know.

Where is your favorite place to hang out? Home. I can eat, watch Desperate Housewives of Orange County, yell at the TV, all without getting dressed. My house doesn’t judge my nakedness.

What is your favorite movie?  Anything with Daniel Craig….preferably Daniel Craig naked.

If you could only wear one cosmetic product, what would it be? A clown mask.

Where do you plan to go on your next vacation? The same place I always go, Disneyland. I freaking love Disneyland. True, the prices are a little steep and if you’re going to eat a meal there you have to be prepared to bend over and get ‘Walted’, but it’s honestly the happiest place on Earth. It’s where I want to die.

How do you stay in shape? Since my shape is potato, I sit on the couch with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and the latest episode of Supernatural.

How would you describe your style? Lazy

What kind of pet do you have? I don’t have pets. I have a rule that I won’t clean up another living creature’s shit unless I give birth to it.

What celebrity would you like to get style tips from? Jamie Lee Curtis. She has this attitude that says, “I don’t give a crap about what you think of me.” That’s badass right there.

Where would you like a vacation home? Hell yes! I’d love to have a cabin in the mountains where I can hang dead animal heads on the wall and nobody thinks it’s weird.

What is the last book you read? Horton Hears a Who. I know. Hot.

What’s your favorite room in your house?  The kitchen, cause that’s where the food is.

What is the most memorable thing you’ve done? Pregnancy and childbirth. I wrote down just how terrible the whole experience was just so I would never do it again. So I have no freaking idea why I’m doing it again.

What’s your favorite souvenir? I have a pair of slippers from the Bates Motel.

What’s your signature scent? Snooki’s perfume. It smells like shame.

Would you rather cook, dine out or get takeout? Delivery. I don’t like to put real clothes on and I don’t like to cook. My pizza delivery guy knows me as the woman with a thousand pajamas.

What’s in your closet that you just can’t let go of? Bright yellow MC Hammer pants. It’s just a matter of time before they’re cool again.

Do you own more shoes or purses? Purses. I have worn the same pair of flip flops for three years, but I have to change my purse out at least once a season.

And, now, an excerpt from Never Say Just...
"Shooter leaned over and whispered in my ear, “Bar?” Oh God yes. Yeah, this evening will be brought to you by Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. I ordered a shot of whatever was closest and downed it. Shooter handed me a mint julep while he sipped his scotch. Bless that man. I scanned the room for the enemy. I had honed this skill over several missions for GSA. It’s amazing how quickly things come back to you when you were threatened.
My gaze fell on the first threat, Louise LaLourie.  Why her parents had named her Louise with a last name like LaLourie was completely beyond me. Of course she had sported several other last names over the years but she always returned to LaLourie. At one time she desperately wanted to be known as Louise Boudreaux. But, I was married to my husband at the time and he had shown her the no trespassing sign right away. Louise held a flute of champagne in her hand, her cunning eyes searched for the next Mr. LaLourie. Her sights fell on me and she stalked forward. I’m not kidding, she stalked, like a lioness, toward me. I looked over at Shooter. I needed to warn him that the most bedded woman in New Orleans was on the prowl. He was busy at the bar fighting for his constitutional right to get good and shit faced completely missing my look of caution. Since I knew Louise  watched me I smiled and prayed the words “die, bitch, die” were not tattooed on my forehead.
“Oh my gawd Are you finally out of mourning?” Her accent was so thick you could cut it with a K-Bar. “I understand grieving, but honey you can’t put yourself in cold storage for the rest of your life. But you are looking great. Look at you. I was afraid you’d locked yourself up in that big ole house and either ate or drank yourself to death. I am so relieved to see you looking as good as ever. Who are you wearing, darlin’? You look positively wonderful.”
Of course her compliments were about as real as her boobs, but I smiled back and said, “Versace.”
“Donatella?” Louise asked with pity in her voice.
“No, Gianni. It went up for auction at Sotheby’s a few years ago and I just had to have it. Though this is the first time I’ve worn it.”
 Edna could look forward to a big, fat Christmas bonus this year. The envy on Louise’s face was priceless. It was worth coming to this damn ho down, and I mean ho down, just to see her face turn a lovely shade of green. She would have given a lot to own an original Gianni but she didn’t and I did. Take that you nasty bitch.
Shooter took that moment to turn around and hand me another cocktail. His eyes went big and he tried to take a step back but the bar was in the way. I hadn’t taken in what Louise wore until that moment. She wore a black, too tight to breathe, strapless Dolce and Gabbana that made her boobs spill over the tops. Truth be told I had that same dress in my closet at home. But I would never choose to accessorize it with a purple leopard bra that poked strategically above the neckline. Her lecherous eyes zeroed in on Shooter. She had the sniper in her sites and he was about to feel the full force of Louise’s slut-o-matic up close and personal.
“Well, hello. You must be Kat’s brother?”
“No, Louise,” I interrupted, “This is my date.” I choked on the last word.
Louise didn’t care. She wouldn’t care if a man was in bed with his wife on their wedding night, she believed all men were available. “And what is your name, gorgeous?”
“Shooter,” he smiled and leaned into her gaze a slight come and get me smile smeared across his face. I seriously wanted to pop his eyes out with a shrimp fork but I reigned in my rage.
“And what is it that you do, Mr. Shooter?” Translation: Can you afford me? She said as she pressed herself up against his body shamelessly exposing all her voluptuous assets.
He raised his hand and extended a finger. Shooter pushed the tip of his long thick finger into the center of Louise’s forehead forcing her to take several steps backward. His gaze had gone from playful to deadly. “I kill people,” his whisper was sinister."


5 comments:

S. J. Maylee said...

Katie you're a hoot! You can come over in your MC hammer pants and hang on my couch any time. So is your little brother a member of the Rat Bastards?

Katie Harper said...

Thanks for having me Davee!!

S.J. Maylee....No, my little brother isn't a member of the Rat Bastards. But my big brother and instigator of the porch incident is. I have four brothers and I'm sure they will all make an appearance at some point in the series.

Benjamin Tiberius Russell said...

Ok, so I totally love everything spelled Katie Harper. Seriously, I've already made arrangements for her to speak at my eulogy. I have no freaking idea what she might say, but I can pretty much guarantee that she will have 50% of the folks present reaching for their weapons, have another 25% crying and the remaining 30% pissing their pants laughing. PS; I know that's more than 100%, but that the affect Katie has on people.

Davee, I love your questions, of course with Katie - you could have given her a blank piece of paper and she would have gone on for days.

Katie/Sis, this is my favorite answer - What’s your signature scent? Snooki’s perfume. It smells like shame.

For real, it smells like shame? Ok, so I have a question for you, what celebrity designer's scent smells like Lust?

Cy Price said...

BRING. IT. ON.

ERP said...

I cannot wait!! Seriously. Hook a woman up!!