“I heard them, you know, the rescue team – Billy included.” I looked at Cameron sitting, waiting patiently for my next words. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go any further. When I didn’t speak, he smiled this get out of jail free card, silent proof he wasn’t forcing me to keep talking. Closing my eyes, I released this painful gale hiding behind a dam of shame. “I wanted to tell him to stop, to wait, I was okay. He didn’t need to put himself in further danger, we would be there till it was safe. I’d tripped on something stupid, I fell in the dark, somehow my flashlight went out.” I remembered the throbbing. The pain shot through my hip, shattering my consciousness.
Filling with tears, Cameron’s eyes widened slightly before he closed them again. Clutching my hand, a small gesture meant to soothe became a rock within this swirling rapid river of regret. If only for a moment, I had something to hold onto, something to keep me from rushing away. “I know you’re hurting.”
“But, if I’d only yelled loud enough, he wouldn’t have kept walking all over that electrified ground.” Returning to the impossibly simple scenario made me sick to my stomach. How the hell do people live with what ifs?
“How do you move forward from this place?”
The sincere question became a quest without a map, starting in the dark with no light. Impossibility crushed my dreams, any hopes I’d had for the future. “I don’t know I ever can.” My jaw clenched, despair filled my lungs, squeezing out the air.
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